BoyMoms and BoyDads: What We Can Learn From Ruth Whippman & Richard Reeves About Sex, Power, and Parenting
“It’s a boy!” or “It’s a girl!” are often the first words that are spoken after the birth of a baby. Most of us don’t remember the words when we were born and those of us who are parents will never forget those words when one of our own children arrived. My wife, Carlin, and I have six children, seventeen grandchildren, and three great grandchildren. Sex and gender issues have always been important to me, as are they for most everyone.
Prior to the publication of his book, Of Boys and Men: Why The Modern Male Is Struggling, Why It Matters, and What To Do About It by Richard V. Reeves, I was sent a pre-publication copy to review. The Preface of the book is titled “Worried Dad to Worried Wonk” and Reeves begins saying,
“I have been worrying about boys and men for 25 years. That comes with the territory when you raise three boys, all now grown men. George, Bryce, Cameron: I love you beyond measure. That’s why, even now, I sometimes worry about you.”
Reeves goes on to say,
“But my anxiety has spilled over into my day job. I work as a scholar at the Brookings Institution, focusing mostly on equality of opportunity or lack thereof. Until now, I have paid most attention to the divisions of social class and race: But I am increasingly worried about gender gaps, and perhaps not in the way you might expect. It has become clear to me that there are growing numbers of boys and men who are struggling in school, at work, and in the family. I used to fret about three boys and young men. Now I am worried about millions.”
I also received an advance copy of Ruth Whippman’s new book, BoyMom: Reimaging Boyhood in the Age of Impossible Masculinity. I did a podcast interview with Ruth that I am including in this article.
Whippman begins the book with the following epigraphs that introduces readers to the core themes of the book:
“Boys need healthy self-esteem. They need love. And a wise and loving feminist politics can provide the only foundation to save the lives of male children. Patriarchy will not heal them. If that were so they would all be well. –bell hooks, Feminism is for Everybody.
“And now,” cried Max, “let the wild rumpus start.” –Maurice Sendak, Where the Wild Things Are.
Whippman’s introduction is titled #MeToo Baby and begins with these words:
“I hope for your sake this one is a girl,” said our mail carrier one morning as I sat out on the front step, nine months pregnant, my two sons buzzing hyperactively around me. Her eyes flicked between my giant bump and the boys, who were playing some generic mildly violent game complete with gender essentialist soundtrack of “PEYEW PEYEW!! NEEEEOOOWWWWWW!!! HIYUHHHH!!” noises. When I told her that no, our third child was another boy, she let out an involuntary moan of compassion.”
Inspired by his own experiences as a father and policy expert, Richard Reeves founded the American Institute of Boys and Men (AIBM) in 2023 to bring awareness to the challenges facing boys and men today and to develop evidence-based solutions. Their research focuses on the following five area:
Boys and men are increasingly lonely, and at higher risk of suicide and “deaths of despair.” We shed light on the male mental health crisis and look for urgent solutions.
By multiple measures, boys have fallen far behind in school. We study the many factors that affect boys’ educational progress and outcomes.
Men, especially working-class men, are struggling in our changing global economy. We study structural forces, including globalization but also education and skills training that affect men in the labor market.
In a time where all boys and men confront new challenges in school, work, and family life, Black boys and men face particular systemic disadvantages. We pay special attention to their needs and hardships.
Family life is changing, but dads matter as much as ever. We study the economic and cultural changes that are affecting boys and men at home and with their families.
Sex and Gender in a Time of Social Confusion and Transformation
“I felt as though society was fracturing along gender lines,” Ruth Whippman says. “Conservatives were rallying around men, leaping to their defense. #NotAllMen, they tweeted, willfully denying the systemic nature of the problem; even going so far as to claim that men were the real victims of #MeToo.”
Though Whippman recognizes the problems with extremists on the right, she also recognizes that liberals are also missing some important realities.
“Liberals, my natural clan, allied themselves with girls and women. In a strange politicization of gender itself, men and boys somehow became the very symbol of conservative values, and women and girls of progressive ones.”
She goes on to say,
“Although obviously there were still countless individual conservative women and progressive men, as political class, females started to represent change and hope, while males symbolized the status quo, injustice and harm. It was, of course, a false dichotomy, but at a gut, tribal level it felt real. My tribe was rejecting my kids. I found myself stranded on one side of the symbolic divide, with my own children on the other.”
Sex, Power, and Partisanship: How Evolutionary Science Makes Sens of Our Political Divide
Dr. Hector A. Garcia is a clinician and has published extensively on evolutionary psychology. In his book, Sex, Power, and Partisanship: How Evolutionary Science Makes Sens of Our Political Divide he brings his years of reach to help us better understand sex, power, and politics.
He describes well the forces facing our country.
“A nation’s sinew begins to tear. Triumph in one group is met with fear and bewilderment in another. Old prejudices are reanimated; new ones are invented. The masses succumb to irrational forces, prodded to frenzy by politicians and the media. The nation is poised to devour itself.”
These words could come from today’s headlines but are taken from the first chapter of Garcia’s book, Sex, Power, and Partisanship which was published in 2019. He goes on to say,
“The controversial election of Donald Trump as the forty-fifth US president polarized the United States more than at any other time in its contemporary history.”
Dr. Garcia goes on to say,
“To begin to understand this fracture, let’s turn to an unlikely source for psychological insight: media pundits. American political commentator and talk show hos Chris Mathews once described Republicans as the ‘Daddy Party’ and Democrats as the ‘Mommy Party.’ Writing in the Baltimore Sun, May 14, 1991, Matthews went on to say:
“Republicans protect us with strong national defense; Democrats nourish us with Social Security and Medicare. Republicans worry about our business affairs; Democrats look after our health, nutrition and welfare. Republicans control the White House; Democrats provide a warm, caring presence on Capitol Hill…it’s the traditional American family. Daddy locks the door at night and brings home the bacon. Mommy worries when the kids are sick and makes sure each one gets treated fairly. This partition of authority and duty may seem an anachronism from the Leave It to Beaver era, but it’s an apt model for today’s political household.”
Dr. Garcia quoted hardline conservative commentator Ann Coulter, who boasted on Fox news,
“I am more of a man than any liberal.”
Sex and gender issues color our lives including the current controversies about reproductive rights, gun violence, how we raise our children, and even who will become the next president of the United States.
I have been writing articles and books about sex and gender, since my first book, Inside Out: Becoming My Own Man came out in 1983. Since then, I have written sixteen other books including my two most recent, 12 Rules for Good Men and Long Live Men! The Moonshot Mission to Heal Men, Close the Lifespan Gap, and Offer Hope to Humanity.
You can learn more about Ruth Whippman and her work at RuthWhippman.com. You can learn more about Richard Reeves and his work at the American Institute for Boys and Men, at AIBM.org. If you’d like to learn more about me and my work, you can find me at MenAlive.com.
