Healing the Increasing Contempt Between Us and Them: Building  Partnership Bridges For the Good of All

We are living in a time of disconnection and despair where one group denigrates another and dire warnings are trumpeted by each side that if they win our lives are lives will be destroyed. When we talk to our friends and neighbors we sense that people are not as divided as the media would have us believe, but we feel powerless to change things for the better.

            Robert Waldinger, M.D. is professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School and Director of the Harvard Study on Adulthood Development. Along with his friend and colleague, Dr. Mark Schultz they have written The Good Life: Lessons From the World’s Longest Scientific Study of Happiness.

            Dr. Waldinger wrote an article recently titled “An Antidote to Anger and Despair in Our Polarized World.” He says,

“I’d like to share some thoughts on a matter that’s been weighing heavily on my mind lately, and I suspect on many of yours as well – the sense of uncertainty and dread we often feel when looking at the state of our world.”

            He goes on to say,

“It’s easy to feel overwhelmed by the constant stream of news and information. We’re bombarded daily with stories of conflict, division, and what many would call ‘evil’ in various forms. This can leave us feeling helpless, angry, and tempted to retreat into the comforting simplicity of an ‘us versus them’ mentality.

But I’d like to suggest a different approach, one inspired by an ancient Buddhist tale that offers surprising wisdom for our modern dilemmas. Picture this: The Buddha, in his time, encounters a notorious serial killer. Instead of fleeing or fighting, the Buddha calmly walks towards this dangerous man. When the killer tries to attack, he finds he cannot catch the Buddha, despite the latter’s slow pace. Puzzled, he demands that the Buddha stop. The Buddha’s response is profound: ‘I have stopped. You stop.’

The Buddha explains that he has ‘stopped’ by casting off violence towards all beings. He recognizes the potential for violence within himself but chooses not to act on it. This story challenges us to look inward and confront our own capacity for what we might label as ‘evil.’ Now, let’s bring this ancient wisdom into our present context. How often do we eagerly consume news that confirms our views, feeling righteous when ‘our side’ seems to be winning? It’s a powerful feeling, isn’t it? It can be addictive — and ultimately harmful.”

I know I have felt that way and have written numerous articles sharing my concerns that about the potential election of Donald Trump as our next President. I am deeply afraid of his tendencies towards authoritarian ways of thinking and acting and want to let others know about my concerns. But I am also aware that other side has serious doubts about the candidate I support.

It isn’t only in the political arena that we seem to be seriously divided between “us” and “them.” We see it in our businesses and even in our families. But what if, like the Buddha, we chose to walk calmly towards what we fear or oppose? What if we recognized that the capacity for both good and evil exists within all of us? Dr. Waldinger introduced me to an important initiative called UNITE, led by Tim Shriver. It aims to help us move away from viewing and treating others with contempt and toward seeing the dignity of those we disagree with.  UNITE has developed the Dignity Index, a tool that allows us to rate newspaper articles, speeches, and our own thoughts on how much they polarize or unite.  It’s a scale from 1 to 8 that measures how we speak about and treat those with whom we disagree. At the top of the scale, level 8, we recognize the inherent worth of every individual, treating all with dignity regardless of differences. At the bottom, level 1, we dehumanize others and believe they must be stopped by any means possible.

Level 1: Escalates from violent words to violent actions. It’s a combination of feeling the other side is less than human and calling for or approving violence. The subtext:

“They’re not even human. It’s our moral duty to destroy them before they destroy us.”

Level 2: Accuses the other side not just of doing bad or being bad, but promoting evil. The subtext is:

“Those people are evil and they’re going to ruin our country if we let them. It’s us or them.”

Level 3: Attacks the other side’s moral character, not just their capabilities or competence. The subtext is:

“We’re the good people and they’re the bad people. It’s us vs. them.”

Level 4: Mocks and attacks the other side’s background, their beliefs, their commitment, their competence, their performance. The subtext is:

“We’re better than those people. They don’t really belong. They’re not one of us.”

Level 5: Listens to the other side’s point of view and respectfully explains their own goals, views, and plans. The subtext is:

“The other side has a right to be here and a right to be heard. It’s their country too.”

Level 6: Sees it as a welcome duty to work with the other side to find common ground and act on it. The subtext is:

“We always talk to the other side, searching for the values and interests we share”.

Level 7: Wants to fully engage the other side – discussing the deepest disagreements they have and to see what breakthroughs they can find. The subtext is:

“We fully engage with the other side, discussing even values and interests we don’t share, open to admitting mistakes or changing our minds.”

Level 8: I can see myself in every human being, I refuse to hate anyone, and I offer dignity to everyone. The subtext is:

“Each one of us is born with inherent worth, so we treat everyone with dignity–no matter what.”

Dr. Waldinger concludes saying,

“This doesn’t mean that all actions are equal, or that we shouldn’t work towards positive change in the world. But it does mean approaching our efforts with humility and an awareness of our own biases.”

He goes on to say,

“Let me offer another example: Think of a time when you were absolutely certain about something, only to later discover you were mistaken. Perhaps it was a misunderstanding with a friend that led to an argument, or a strongly held opinion that changed after you learned new information. These experiences remind us that our perceptions and judgments are often limited and flawed.”

“We can put ourselves in situations that remind us of the shared humanity in everyone, even those we strongly disagree with. Watching children play on a playground, noticing people acting with kindness in our communities, sitting in prayer or spiritual practice – these are just a few of the countless ways we can see beyond those seductive good-and-evil dualities. This doesn’t mean we ignore harmful actions or abandon our values. Rather, it allows us to respond more skillfully and compassionately to the conflicts that are inevitable in life.”

As a psychotherapist and marriage and family counselor for more than fifty years I am reminded of the work of Dr. John Gottman who wrote about the most destructive interactions that destroy marriages. He called them The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. They are Criticism, Defensiveness, Stonewalling, and perhaps the most destructive of them all, Contempt.

We can all monitor our own Dignity Index as we relate to ourselves and others. If you’d like more information about Dr. Waldinger and his work here: https://www.robertwaldinger.com/

At Moonshot for Mankind, we are bringing together organizations and individuals who would like to improve the quality of men’s health and increase our ability to create healthy partnerships. You can learn more here: https://moonshotformankind.org/.

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