It didn’t go as I planned.
In middle school, I was the worst and most offensive pro ana moron out there. I tried all sorts of diets and tricks, I sat in ice baths until my legs turned completely white, I looked and posted thinspo, to “motivate me” If you saw someone like this on tumblr now you’d tell them that they were a sick pro ana monster who promotes a horrible mental illness HOW DARE I? I did though, I was. For years, since I associated thinness with some sort of transcendence, I wanted to be anorexic. I wanted that control. In the 8th grade, something changed. I restricted more, and became more and more consumed. I slept 3 hours a night, staying up to look at thinspo and waking up at 4am
In middle school, I was the worst and most offensive pro ana moron out there. I tried all sorts of diets and tricks, I sat in ice baths until my legs turned completely white, I looked and posted thinspo, to “motivate me” If you saw someone like this on tumblr now you’d tell them that they were a sick pro ana monster who promotes a horrible mental illness HOW DARE I? I did though, I was. For years, since I associated thinness with some sort of transcendence, I wanted to be anorexic. I wanted that control. In the 8th grade, something changed. I restricted more, and became more and more consumed. I slept 3 hours a night, staying up to look at thinspo and waking up at 4am with a pounding heart and wild eyes so I could run up and down the stairs and do something!! Because if i dont do something nothing will ever be done!!! I was pretty high strung. I would scream about going to school and lock myself in the bathroom, where my hands would leap to cup my hipbones and wrap around my legs. At school i never ate. I failed quizzes and tests, and hid in a computer lab, sleeping and turning myself into someone beautiful and angular with photoshop. From july to the following november, the start of high school, I was restricting, losing, dying. Then, something snapped. My attitude is very high strung, a bit perfectionistic, but also lazy, scared, and anxious. This mixed in with an eating disorder and depression made me absolutely freak out. My relationship with food is all or nothing. That winter I developed bulimia, something I never wanted, something that was unplanned. Bulimia was the darkest time of my life, I was so depressed I could hardly move. I sraped decent grades, for someone who spend four hours a day with vomit all over their necks, and my family thought i was fine now. The worst was them finding out. I envisioned finally needing help, being deadly thin and in the hospital, with my family in awe at my bones. But, they found out during bulimia. It was painful. The weight I lost went back quickly. I got stretch marks all over my breasts and thighs, I became soft and pudgy. Being treated while at a healthy weight is the most painful, depressing thing. I am in treatment, dealing but succumbing to bulimia. I dont know what is going to happen to me. I still crave thinness, the ability to not eat, I reminisce on the thinness of my old self, how I used to see spots and click my knees together. As horrible as It is I want it back, and I never thought I’d actually be miserable while having an ed, it didnt seem possible to my middle school brain.
submitted by anonymous
SOURCE: The truth about eating disorders – Read entire story here.
