The Hidden Secret For Becoming a Sexually Successful Male

Part 1

            I suspect that there are a lot of males reading this, and probably a lot of females as well, who would like to know the secret. I could tease you with a lot of words and at the end suggest you buy my book, but I suspect you’d like to hear it up front and then read the details later. So here it is. The hidden secret for becoming a sexually successful male is Quiet Confidence (QC).

            Most people will be surprised. They believe sexually successful males are: Movie-star handsome, rich, powerful, strong, dominant, high-achieving, persuasive talkers, intelligent, charismatic, sex-magnets for women (and men). Many believe you must possess at least one of these qualities and usually more than one before you can be sexually successful. I believe there is more to the story and I began learning it at a young age.

            I have been a counselor, coach, and psychotherapist for more than fifty years and helped thousands of men and women learn how to become successful in their lives. But I learned the secret for sexual success early in my life beginning when I was eight years old. I will be eighty this year and sexual success is different for males at different ages. But having QC is the magic we can begin to develop at any age. Here’s my story. Others will have a different story about sexual success. You can decide if mine is helpful to you.

            I am an only child and my father left when I was five years old (If you’re interested in that story, do check out My Distant Dad: Healing the Family Father Wound. With my dad gone, my mother had to seek work outside the home and I learned to take care of myself. I spent a lot of time outside, mostly climbing whatever trees I could find. My frightened mother would call me down to dinner but never discouraged my self-confidence.  

            My one close friend was Caroline (her parents called her Sissy since she was the youngest of the three daughters). She was also independent and adventurous and it was Sissy who introduced me to sex when we were eight years old. When we eventually got caught, my mother tried to calm Caroline’s mother by telling her we were only “playing doctor” and examining each other’s genitals. But the truth was that though we were both curious, it was Sissy who took the lead and our sex play had nothing to do with playing doctor. Our sex play was real and we both got our first taste of Quiet Confidence.

            What I learned at age 8 from Sissy about QC:

1. Females are as interested in sex as males and probably have a lot to teach us.
2. Be playful, respectful, and only do things you both freely choose to do.

My next lesson in QC came when I was twelve years old when my mother took me to visit my grandmother in Texas. We had been going every year since I was six years old and I was always bored since I spent long hours with adults and there were no kids in the neighborhood to play with. But this year was different and my grandmother had arranged for me to meet some other Jewish kids my age.

It was a fun evening at the Jewish community center and we had refreshments, played games, and met new people. I got talking to one of the girls named Rachel and when she heard I was from California and lived in “North Hollywood,” she saw me as some kind of celebrity (those who know where I grew up, know that North Hollywood is a long way from the celebrity world of Tinseltown.)

Though there was adult supervision for this gathering of 12- to 14-year-old kids, they left us alone. When Rachel invited me to go into the Rabbi’s office, I thought my fun time had ended and I would be subjected to some kind of religious admonitions about the dangers of premature sexual experimentation.

Rachel’s smile promised something more. She led me by the hand into a dimly lit office. No Rabbi was present, just a few pairs of kids “making out,” “touching and feeling,” and clearly getting their own kind of education via sexual experimentation. I was ecstatic.

What I learned at age 12 from Rachel about QC:

1. Caring adults and communities can arrange for young adolescents to come together (pun intended) in safe places.
2. Sex-positive adults allow boys and girls to develop sex positive attitudes and practices and gain confidence by doing what comes naturally.

My next lesson in developed QC I learned from Julia when I was 15 ½.

Growing up in southern California the place teens went to play in the summertime was the community swimming pool. It was a great place to see each other with little clothing to hide our attributes. Playful touching was encouraged and what went on under the water was…well, you can imagine.

Lots of boys wanted to play with Julia. She was super cute and I didn’t think I had a chance to get to touch her. She seemed way out of my league. She was a budding beauty and I was a short nerdy kid with a big nose. But I worked up enough courage to talk to her. She told me she liked that I didn’t try to grab her, but obviously was interested in her. She encouraged me to be more assertive with girls I liked and by the end of the summer, I invited her on a date, having just gotten my learners permit and could borrow my parent’s car.

In the privacy of our own room, i.e. my parent’s car, we shared our first, “going all the way,” sexual experience.

What I learned at age 15 1/2 from Julia about QC:

1. Don’t grab. Be respectful. Be assertive.
2. Don’t assume anyone you’re interested in is out of your league. It may take until the end of the summer (or much longer) before you believe it, but don’t give up.

Becoming Quietly Confident doesn’t guarantee success in all aspects of our lives. I married my college sweetheart when I was 23 and she was 19. We were married for ten years and had two wonderful children. But like many couples who married young, we grew apart and eventually divorced. I went through a difficult period and felt deeply wounded in body, mind, and spirit.

When I was thirty-three I learned another lesson about Quiet Confidence from my friend Steve. I had gotten very sick after my divorce and throughout my life when I was sick, there was a woman there to take care of me. First, my mother, later a wife, but now there was no one. It never occurred to me to call another man and ask for nurturing and care, but in desperation I called Steve.

He came right over, sat with me, and spent a week coming regularly to nurse me back to health. He made soup for me, cleaned up my apartment, and even gave me a massage. I had never been touched by another man since my father held me when I was a child. Just knowing that I was not reliant on women to care for me, opened a whole new world for me.

What I learned at age 33 from Steve about QC:

1. Men are not only capable of nurturing other men, but essential to our long-term well-being.
2. Knowing that men aren’t dependent on women for their health and wellbeing allows men to appreciate their own abilities to love and care for themselves.

Like many, eventually met someone and fell in love again, but I went through another marriage and divorce (check out my website introduction, “Confessions of a Twice-Divorced Marriage Counselor,” to hear what I learned. My second marriage had become increasingly dysfunctional and violent and I was in danger of doing something destructive that I knew I would regret. When I saw a notice about a men’s event with psychologist, Dr. Herb Goldberg, author of the book, The Hazards of Being Male: Surviving the Myth of Masculine Privilege, I was intrigued.

The event was powerful as fifty men came together for a day to hear from an expert and more importantly share our own experiences about our woundedness as men. Even in a single day we began to open up and trust other men to help us heal. Following the event, one of the organizers invited those attending who were interested in forming a men’s group to meet at his home in Mill Valley.

The Men’s group that formed has been meeting regularly for 44 years. We have become a family of brothers from other mothers. Over the years, three members have dropped out, three have been added. Three have died and the rest of us continue to meet regularly. I am now the eldest of the group. I will turn 80 this month.

My wife, Carlin, says that the reason she believes we have had a successful 44-year marriage is because I have been in a men’s group for 45 years. She tells me she appreciates, among other things, my quiet confidence.

What I learned at age 80 from my men’s group about QC:

1. Joining a men’s group may be the single most important thing a man can do if he wants to be successful in life.
2. Learning to appreciate the gifts we can give and receive from guys in a men’s group gives us confidence we’ll never develop finding our intimate connections only with women.

So, to summarize what I’ve learned about The Hidden Secret For Becoming a Sexually Successful Male, by increasing Quiet Confidence (QC):

1. Females are as interested in sex as males and probably have a lot to teach us.
2. Be playful, respectful, and only do things you both freely choose to do.
3. Caring adults and communities can arrange for young adolescents to come together (pun intended) in safe places.
4. Sex positive adults allow boys and girls to develop sex positive attitudes and practices and gain confidence by doing what comes naturally.
5. Don’t grab. Be respectful. Be assertive.
6. Don’t assume anyone you’re interested in is out of your league. It may take until the end of the summer (or much longer) before you believe it.
7. Men are not only capable of nurturing other men, but essential to our long-term well-being.
8. Knowing that men aren’t dependent on women for their health and wellbeing allows men to appreciate their own abilities to love and care for themselves.
9. Joining a men’s group may be the single most important thing a man can do if he wants to be successful in life.
10. Learning to appreciate the gifts we can give and receive from guys in a men’s group  gives us confidence we’ll never develop finding our intimate connections only with women.

In Part 2, I will tell you more about the secrets of sexual success I have learned between 8 and 80. If you found this article helpful, please share it with others. If you’d like to read more articles like these, please consider subscribing to my free newsletter.

I am considering offering an on-line workshop for those who would like to learn more about “The Hidden Secret of Becoming a Sexually Successful Man.” If you are interested, please drop me an email to Jed@MenAlive.com and put “Sexual Success” in the subject line and I will send you more details (It will be open to both men and women).